My Eyes Love You
by Jessica Holy aka Toshi
Author's note: X Japan and
its respective members belong to themselves. X Japan is copyrighted to
Yoshiki Hayashi and Sony Japan I believe. So you really can't steal them
either way you look at it, but you can mess around with their personalities,
but not too much. Yoshiki does live in LA and is known for his violent
drum destroying skills. hide, unfortunately, is deceased, but was renowned
for being quite vicious. So don't try anything funny.
Yoshiki stared out the window, watching the rain drizzle down the glass in swirling patterns. He sighed as he watched a few leaves whirl around in the violent wind. Chaos, he thought, everything is chaos, no matter how hard humanity tries to calm the world by dominating it. He turned back to the piano, his fingers resting lightly on the black and white keys. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He let his hands play out a memorized Bach melody as his mind drifted back to his childhood memories of playing with his mother. Mother...she sat him up rigid, placing each small digit on the keys. She called out the name of each note as he struck it with a child like interest. Yoshiki smiled as he recalled amazing his kindergarten class by playing Beethoven's Ode to Joy for show and tell. His teacher said it was amazing that a five year old could play so well. He hadn't understood the remark then but it became his calling card until high school. High school ....Yoshiki didn't like remembering that time of his life. He didn't study much and preferred skipping to learning mathematics. Language class was fun though...but he still dropped out. Toshi had covered for him, telling the teachers that he had to work to help his mother pay for the house and food. Toshi was always there to back him up, even if he scolded Yoshiki in private later. Yoshiki opened his eyes as he heard his front door open. He looked over his shoulder as his fingers turned the invisible page of sheet music and started on a Mozart waltz.
Toshi walked through the kitchen, laying
the roses he brought his best friend on the counter. He looked in the
living room and smiled at Yoshiki who was staring over his shoulder. "Hey!"
Toshi greeted him with a wave as Yoshiki returned his eyes back to the
piano. "Hm." The pianist responded as he listened to Toshi's
movements. Toshi hanged his jacket on the back of a chair at the kitchen
table. He came out, dragging another chair with him. He brought it up
to the piano, turned it backwards, and sat on it. He listened to the soft
notes drift through the air as the rain added its own muffled singing
to the melody. He sighed contentedly as Yoshiki leaned into his piano
to finish the song. He stopped and looked at his friend who was smiling
at him. "You always play beautifully! Even after 20 years...you still
have that touch!" Yoshiki smiled and laughed. "And you always
fill my head with praise, Toshimitsu."
"To-chan, I think sometimes you're
the only one who really knows me." Yoshiki smiled from the door frame.
Toshi shook his head. "Everybody knows you like roses...even the
That's why Toshi came over as often as
he could, which was pretty close to every day. And today Yoshiki seemed
more depressed than ever. He watched Yoshiki press against the piano,
then sway back up, as if he was dancing with a lover. Lover...the tabloids
were always asking who was Yoshiki's lover. Toshi and hide had been the
prime suspects and both denied accusations of having intercourse with
Yoshiki whatsoever. Yoshiki found it quite amusing that the press wanted
to question his sexuality. Toshi frowned as he tried to push his rage
filled thoughts away. Yoshiki had stopped playing and turned around to
look at Toshi, who was glaring at the floor. "Toshi....?" Toshi
looked up, startled. Yoshiki looked at him concernedly. Toshi had been
so happy a minute ago...what had happened? Toshi smiled and sat down next
to him on the bench, "Want to practice a song?" Yoshiki smiled
and shrugged, tossing his hair behind him. Toshi tapped his chin, "Hmmmm...which
song has a piano in it?"
Toshi followed slowly. "How many songs are in your head Yoshiki?” he whispered to himself. He treaded into the room quietly. Yoshiki was lost in the chaos of his mind; the loneliness, the death, the music, and the one light that kept him live. The light that was always shining even when Yoshiki was hooked up to an oxygen tank after collapsing on stage. He knew what the light was...and he never wanted it to burn out. He was angry, angry that he couldn't keep this light between his fingers and caress it and tell it how much it meant to him. How fragile and helpless he was without it. Toshi had circled around behind Yoshiki. He watched Yoshiki's back muscles swell and stretch, over and over. "You are the music Yoshiki..."he thought as he slowly laid his head down on Yoshiki's back. Yoshiki kept playing, he was used to Toshi doing this all the time, even on stage(though sometimes he thought Toshi got too excited and was over zealous and lost in the beat). Toshi knew this was some random rhythm, none that had lyrics. But he felt like singing any ways, so he just let his voice slowly and softly blend with it. Yoshiki listened to the 'lalala' and 'nanana' music Toshi made from behind him. The music together seemed like some nomadic song and dance, filled with all the violence and tenderness of that period of time.
Toshi slid his arms around Yoshiki's waist, protectively. If Yoshiki kept going long enough, he might get exhausted. Yoshiki bit his lip as his concentration drifted from the music back to the world around him. To Toshi's breathing and singing, to his heart beat. He slowly stopped drumming. Toshi leaned against his friend gently, unsure of what action would come next. Yoshiki could be hostile if he was in a bad mood, but that was rarely directed at the singer. Yoshiki grasped one of the hands that lay in his lap. He held it and looked at it. Toshi's hands....he thought, always reaching out to grab me, support me, protect me. What have my hands done for him but bring him fame and success? He sighed.
Toshi huffed and forced his head over
Yoshiki's shoulder. "What is wrong? You are so..."
"Why are we up here?" Toshi
whispered. Yoshiki shuddered against the cold. "What are you going
to prove to the world, without a TV camera?" Yoshiki looked over
Toshi's shoulder and out into the horizon. "Why were you mad earlier
Toshi?" Toshi started. "I..I was thinking about some of the
mean things reporters say about us, the band."
"Toshi..you see all of that?"
Reaching out again...Yoshiki thought. He took the hand, pouting at Toshi's back. Toshi sighed as he felt Yoshiki's hand slide into his. Honesty...Yoshiki wanted complete honesty in people and from people. Yoshiki demanded the impossible a lot; in fact X was an impossible demand at first. But he got his way in the end, he got the fame, the money, he got to play music and share it with everyone. He even got more friends, friends he intended to keep and love. Now he wanted this. Perfection of the soul, an almost religious perfection, a moral cleanliness. Yet...wasn't this too much to ask, even for him? Toshi thought to himself. Aren't people naturally like this? Or is he searching for something...? Toshi racked his brain for anything Yoshiki wanted. The entire evening, which had only lasted about an hour so far, had been so emotional that he had a hard time thinking of anything but Yoshiki's sadness. Then Toshi realized that maybe what Yoshiki wanted was love. But didn't he already have that...?
Toshi sighed. Whatever Yoshiki wanted, he wasn't going to get it up on the roof in the rain. Toshi started toward the stairs, tugging Yoshiki along. Yoshiki followed complacently, hoping that what he had said made sense to his friend.
***** Musical Interlude One- Grab a Tissue to Stop That Nosebleed!*****
Toshi closed the door behind them, Yoshiki
still clutching his hand. "Toshi....Toshi?" Yoshiki called quietly,
fearful of any strong rebuttal. Toshi smiled softly at him, squeezing
his hand. "Toshi... do you understand what I said... right?"
Toshi sat down not too far from the drummer,
who resembled a wet Persian cat. Toshi smiled at the cute expression Yoshiki's
body had taken in its search for warmth. Yoshiki sighed and scooted over
to Toshi, dragging a blanket with him. "You said you understood me..."
Toshi sighed. He knew it was futile to
push Yoshiki into something. But how was he supposed to help if he didn't
know what the problem was? All he could do was speculate. He looked down
at the drummer, who's golden hued head was pressed against his chest,
his pale hands clutching at the white material. Toshi's heart skipped
a beat. His cheeks flushed slightly but he sighed, turning his mind away
from whatever thoughts were barely forming in his head. "Yoshiki....is
your secret about love?" Yoshiki's head jerked up suddenly, his eyes
wide and scared. He pulled away sharply from Toshi, feeling as if his
heart had been pried open and read. He looked at Toshi, who was looking
at him with the utmost concern in his eyes. Yoshiki frowned at him, "How…
how did you know?"
Yoshiki looked at Toshi, his eyes a bit
sad but a soft smile on his lips. "You know me to well To-chan..."
Toshi smiled, "No, I just know you well enough."
Toshi looked down at their fingers. "Yoshiki....our
lives have always been intertwined...since our earliest youth-"
Toshi forcefully pulled Yoshiki against
him. He glared over Yoshiki's head, into the space ahead of him. "Sometimes
Yoshiki...I wonder if you understand why I care so much about you."
Toshi was racking his mind hard to see
if he had any ideas like that lately. "I might have...but I can't
remember...but that doesn't really matter..."
Toshi nodded suddenly. "well?"
Yoshiki asked, not quite sure where things had gone after his declaration
of sexual attraction. That had taken some courage, if he was going to
be let down now....maybe he would throw himself off the roof when Toshi
left. Yoshiki frowned mentally, he knew it would cause Toshi so much grief,
he'd fling himself off a roof too. Then the whole band would be flying
off roof tops and the fans would soon join them. That was a crime Yoshiki
wasn't willing to commit. Toshi spoke up, breaking Yoshiki's suicidal
thoughts. "You are right, lovers do that.....but is that all you
want to do?"
Toshi smiled and wiped his eyes as Yoshiki caught his breath. He looked about the room, noting the piano, the coffee table where the roses stood, and back to the couch. He looked at Yoshiki who had regained his composure and was looking down at his feet. I wonder what's so nice about his feet? the singer thought to himself. A little voice in his head, which sounded a lot to him, when he thought about it later, like hide imitating Darth Vader, told him to go find out and see what was so nice about the rest of him while he was at it. Toshi had to agree with this voice, even if it was frightening, that he wouldn't mind lying in bed with Yoshiki right now. It wouldn't be too hard to get him in to his bedroom, especially since Yoshiki brought it up first. Wait, did that mean Yoshiki had to initiate things? Toshi wished he knew some gay men so that way he could have asked them questions before he had even got involved. This isn't involved though, he scolded himself, and I have a pretty good idea how men screw each other. I just have to take it slow. Wait, who was going to be on top? Toshi heard that little voice scream. It growled and proceeded to kick Toshi's brain. Just get on with it already, figure that out when the time comes. Toshi nodded to himself as he looked in Yoshiki's direction boldly.
Yoshiki hadn't really been thinking during the 30 seconds it took for Toshi to figure out the game plan for the rest of the evening. He was actually admiring his feet, thinking that his toes were quite cute and very masculine. He pouted mentally at hide's jest that everything about Yoshiki was extremely effeminate. My toes aren't...and neither are my hands. He had brought his hands up to his face, but suddenly found one in the grip of another. Yoshiki turned to stare at Toshi, who seemed caught between fear and courage. Toshi coughed, opened his mouth, closed it, and coughed again. Yoshiki raised an eyebrow, this was not the best way to communicate. Toshi sighed, prayed to Buddha for the strength of heart that he desperately needed, and opened his mouth again. As if Buddha had heard him, the words came. "Ne, Let's get out of these robes." Smooth the little voice snickered. "Come on...." Toshi smiled and rose, pulling a stunned Yoshiki to his feet. He padded into Yoshiki's bedroom, ignoring the light switch. Light from outside filtered through the blinds on the windows, filling the room with a bluish glow. He smiled back at Yoshiki, who was clutching at his heart with his free hand, his chest heaving as he breathed uneasily. Was he scared?
***** Musical Interlude Two- We Are Not Malice Mizer*****
Yoshiki's ears were pounding with blood.
He followed behind Toshi as Toshi led him right up to Yoshiki's bed. He
looked down at it, his heart racing. What now? It was his bed, but did
that mean he got on it first. The bed seemed to be like a ship at sea,
so far away and isolated, even though he was right at its edge. Toshi
wrapped his arms around Yoshiki's waist and leaned his head against his
back, right between his shoulder blades. Yoshiki wasn't sure of what to
do, no matter how many times he had dreamed of something like this, he
never had a scenario like this. Usually they were already on the bed.
Toshi breathed into Yoshiki's hair, tickling the back of the drummer's
neck. Yoshiki squirmed in response. Toshi pressed his lips against Yoshiki's
neck, a small smile forming as Yoshiki chirped in response. "I didn't
know you were a song bird Yo-chan..."
Toshi slowly let go of his friend and with a slight shove from behind, made Yoshiki flounder onto the bed. He quickly circled around and slid onto it. Yoshiki was pushing his hair out of his eyes, his nostrils flaring as he glared behind him, only to find the space empty. His brow furrowed as Toshi nimbly reached out and grabbed Yoshiki's upper arm, pulling him right into the middle of the bed and into his arms. Yoshiki let out a cry, a mixture of irritation and surprise. He closed his eyes as Toshi kissed his forehead, locking his arms around the drummer's waist. Yoshiki opened his left eye to peek out at his friend who was staring down into his face. Toshi smiled, getting a smile in response. He bent forward and kissed Yoshiki tentatively. Yoshiki, who had been waiting for this precise moment, planned it out in his head over and over, was at a loss. He shrugged mentally and just pressed against Toshi, leaning into the kiss the best he could.
Toshi lifted one hand to tangle it in Yoshiki's hair as he opened his lips, slipping his tongue into Yoshiki's mouth. Yoshiki's fingers dug into Toshi's shoulders as he launched his mouth against Toshi's, as if he were hungry for the taste of the singer. Toshi blushed at the friction that their hips were creating. Yoshiki, with a little effort, got Toshi to roll onto his back. Yoshiki took Toshi's face up in both of his hands, kissing him frantically. He wrapped his legs around Toshi's waist the best he could. Toshi moaned into his friend's mouth as their tongues danced about. Yoshiki could feel the heat growing between his legs and he could also feel the one growing between Toshi's. He pulled his lips away and gasped. He laid his head against Toshi's chest and breathed heavily. Toshi looked up at his friend's sideways turned face and stroked the back of his head.
He rolled Yoshiki onto his back, untying the sash that held the robe together. He slowly pulled Yoshiki's arms out, kissing his wrists. He slid it off Yoshiki's shoulders, and with a toss, threw it to the floor. He untied his own and removed it swiftly, bending down to kiss Yoshiki's forehead again. "You really like to kiss me there, ne?" Toshi laughed at Yoshiki's remark and pulled the bed sheets up over their heads. In the darkness, neither of them could see. Yoshiki whined slightly and reached up for Toshi, who wasn't there. Toshi, in a spark of playfulness decided to play a silent game of hide and seek, except he knew where his lover was and Yoshiki didn't. Yoshiki reached sideways, his heart racing. "Toshi..." he whispered, excited and a tad fearful. He felt nothing but bed sheet and mattress. Toshi, who had maneuvered himself behind Yoshiki smiled as he saw Yoshiki shimmy sideways.
He quickly reached out and grabbed Yoshiki's hips, pressing his lips and tongue against the small in Yoshiki's back. Yoshiki cried out, in surprise and relief. His cry gave way to a moan. He tried to look back over his shoulder but he was met by a restricting hand wrapped around the base of his neck. He smiled, his heart racing. Toshi, who had lost track of where exactly he was kissing Yoshiki, moved lower until he found the divide between Yoshiki butox.
(editor's note: butox...heheheh..nyhahahahahaha!! butt sex!!! ahem. continue with your story)
He slid his hands down to spread them apart slightly, to let his tongue probe what he knew had to be there. Toshi had turned his mind off and was letting his instinct take control, which it did happily. He did find the opening he was searching for, but it seemed unimpressed with his romantic ventures. He licked around the base of it, his salvia sending shivers up Yoshiki's back. Yoshiki was whimpering, clutching the sheets in front of him as his erection grew and the blood pumped through his head. Toshi quickly abandoned his friend's backside for his front. He slid over Yoshiki's hips and pressed his lips to Yoshiki's stomach. Hands immediately grabbed a hold of his head and encouragingly pressed him into Yoshiki's flesh.
Toshi moved his kisses downward quickly, as if he too was hungry for something. Had he any possession of his mind and had this been occurring before their discussion, Toshi might have been seriously doubting his sanity. Nonetheless, his thought processes were far from the forefront of his attention. He kissed the base of Yoshiki's erection, pressing his tongue gently to the sensitive skin. Yoshiki gasped. He thought that he would scream out, in his dreams he always did, but he found himself short of breath. He couldn't see anything, he could only feel Toshi's lips and hands, which were wrapped around Yoshiki's torso. Toshi kissed his way down the shaft of Yoshiki's genitals, sliding his tongue around the very tip and pulling it into his mouth.
Yoshiki had always doubted Toshi's sexual experiences, especially ones that involved the singer using his own tongue. He was quite wrong and glad for it. Toshi knew he had no previous expertise in giving blow jobs and he figured that they weren't too hard to get, and therefore not too hard to give. He simply pulled on his friend's member as if it were a straw, as if there was a remnant of milk shake left in the bottom of his cup. Yoshiki was crying, his breathing so heavy that he couldn't make a noise besides his gasps for air. He cried out though when Toshi's teeth came down gently on his sensitive skin. He arched into Toshi's mouth, feeling the pain of orgasm coming. He thought back to that song, Orgasm, and its chorus. He was right, Toshi that is, when he sang 'Just like death'. That song held a lot of truths for a rock tune.
Toshi trickled his tongue around Yoshiki's penis, hoping to force his friend into ejaculation. He never had tasted semen before and he was thinking it would taste pretty good or pretty bad. But it would be Yoshiki's...and that meant it had to be great either way. Yoshiki knew he was unconsciously beginning to thrust his hips against Toshi's face. He could feel this boiling surge forming between his legs that was in dire need of release. But no matter how hard he thrusted himself forward, it grew, an uncomfortable pressure causing Yoshiki to cry out. Toshi pulled hard on him with his lips and he bit down on the soft flesh gently. Yoshiki cried out again, but this time he felt an explosion erupt from between his legs. Stars twinkled before his closed eyes, for he had shut them too tightly, and he truly believed his balls had exploded.
Toshi nearly choked on the sudden burst of semen into his mouth. He quickly swallowed the first wave, which was followed by a second one, though it wasn't as strong. The orgasm was quickly over and Toshi let Yoshiki's member fall from his lips. The taste was a bit bitter but that didn't matter. Yoshiki's breathing was coming back under control and he tried hard to wipe away the tears that were still rolling down his cheeks. Toshi crawled upwards and embraced his friend, pressing him against himself. Yoshiki was still trying to clear his eyesight as Toshi kissed the corners of his eyes, taking away the tears. Yoshiki sighed and his lips pouted naturally as he glared into Toshi's chest. He bent his head forward and buried his face in Toshi's shoulder, taking in the scent of what was Toshi's favorite cologne and his shampoo. He closed his eyes as Toshi stroke his back.
"You're not tired are you?"
Toshi asked innocently enough, causing Yoshiki to bite him on the shoulder.
"Of course not, but orgasms take a lot out of you baka..."
"Why wouldn't it? My ass is not a
vagina!" Toshi laughed and kissed Yoshiki's toes. "Gomen, koibito."
He shifted slightly to get his own unreleased hard on into Yoshiki's anus.
Yoshiki cried out in anguish as Toshi entered him. Toshi frowned down
at him, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"
Toshi felt the great pressure that Yoshiki had felt before and was beginning to feel again. He concentrated on trying to get the pain to go away, even if it felt nice in some way. He opened his mouth to cry out but nothing but silence came. Yoshiki grabbed at the bed sheets, twisting them in his fists as his hips rocked violently, due to his own actions and that of Toshi's. He closed his eyes as he felt a pain rising between his legs and another one throbbing inside of him. Toshi grasped Yoshiki's thighs harder as he felt the pressure build up to an intolerable level. "Toshi...."Yoshiki whispered as tears began to flow again. "Yoshiki...just hold on...I....naaa....Yoshiki!" Yoshiki gasped as he felt his balls explode for a second time and felt a searing explosion inside of him. Toshi fell forward onto Yoshiki, forcing the breath out of the pianist. He closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Yoshiki's chest, pulling himself upward and out of Yoshiki. He was reeling from his own orgasm, an experience he had forgotten. How he had, escaped him but his attention was diverted to Yoshiki's tears and gasps. He kissed Yoshiki's eyes again as Yoshiki tried to catch his breath.
Toshi kissed Yoshiki's lips gently. He covered Yoshiki's face in such gentle kisses, murmuring his love in their native tongue. "Aishteru....Yoshiki...." he kissed Yoshiki's ears, his chin, and jaw. Yoshiki kept his eyes closed, easing them open as Toshi's voice mingled with his hair as he kissed his shoulders. Toshi's lips found the desire to kiss every inch of Yoshiki that had gone untouched so far. Yoshiki rubbed his hands up and down Toshi's back as Toshi kissed his chest and nipples. He kissed Yoshiki gently, he didn't want to excite him again. For Toshi feared that just as Yoshiki was frail in his drumming, he was fragile in bed. Too many orgasms could send him into unconsciousness or worse. That was the last thing Toshi wanted. He kissed Yoshiki on the lips again after exploring Yoshiki's arms. Yoshiki wrapped his arms around Toshi's neck kissing Toshi back.
Yoshiki never imagined that it would ever
be this exhausting. In his dreams it had gone on and on until he practically
melted into Toshi or the bed. Yet here in the reality of life it had reached
an intermission or even the end. He was tired but he didn't want this
to end for the fear of it all being a dream. He began to get agitated
and his breath quickened, his eyes screwing up to hold back his tears.
Toshi had stopped kissing him and was just holding him, stroking his cheek
with the back of his hand. He searched Yoshiki's face and found the fear
that was causing his friend to cry again. He smiled and kissed Yoshiki's
nose and forehead. "Shhhh...Yo-chan, you needn't be scared...I'm
"Will you always be here?"
*****Musical Interlude Three- The Morning After*****
The sun was floating through the windows in Yoshiki's living room. Yoshiki was looking out one of them, a bed sheet wrapped about his tall frame, pooling at his feet in a white puddle of folds and wrinkles. Toshi's arm stretched out to him, holding a lone rose, plucked from the vase. Yoshiki took it with a smile as Toshi stood next to him, wrapped in his own sheet of linen. He finished his cup of coffee and laid the mug on the coffee table, snatching up a lighter and a packet of cigarettes. He handed one to Yoshiki and placed one in his own lips. He lighted his and went to light Yoshiki's. Yoshiki leaned toward him and lighted his cigarette with the end of Toshi's. Toshi smiled and laid the pack and lighter back down on the table. The couple stared out at the city in the early morning, the smoke curling slowly around them. Yoshiki looked down at the rose he clutched to his chest. He smiled as Toshi wrapped an arm around his waist.
"You remember the first time we kissed?
We were, what, maybe 5, 8 or 10."
"I don't want you to go home."
Pata and Taiji had followed in after hide
and stood there staring with him. The three looked at each other and shrugged.
Toshi ventured to speak first. "Uh, hi guys...."
The guitarists all called a truce with their leader and promised to rehearse tomorrow if they could take today off. Yoshiki agreed because he wasn't in the mood to practice. hide later told Pata that Yoshiki was too preoccupied to practice. Nonetheless, this new relationship wasn't talked of simply because it was something the guitarists had been expecting for a long while. Yoshiki didn't leap into anybody's arms...nor kiss someone like he did Toshi. And Toshi didn't spend so much time with the pianist if he didn't have feelings. The guitarists were just glad to see their friends happy.
Yoshiki locked the door behind them and sat down at his piano. Toshi sat next to him and after a while Yoshiki began to play Say Anything as Toshi sang along. The birds and noise of the road faded away as the two men enjoyed each other and their music. Days like these were to make up the next few years, each night being similar but individual. But those are stories for another time. Yoshiki leaned against Toshi as he finished playing the song. Toshi kissed the top of his head and held his hand, their fingers intertwined, just like their lives.
This story is written in commemoration
of Sarah Spain's 18th birthday on May 27 2002. Sarah, may we both find
happiness similar to theirs! ^_^ I hope this story pleases you as much
as the last one did. And I can't wait till you show me that magazine!
^o^ Happy Birthday and remember, I love you!