Interview with Yoshiki from CD 3 of X Japan-Perfect Best
The translation may sound a bit strange and I think there are a lot of mistakes but it was first translated from Japanese into German by neph:thyz and I translated it into English...
i. = Interviewer from Fool's Mate
y. = Yoshiki
i. I think X was something special for you and that it's difficult to tell in a few words what you feel when you look back, but maybe a year after the disbanding of X you can tell us what it means to you when you are looking back.
y. Hm, what can I say, it was a life and it was the best I did so far. I met a lot if people, the members of X and also the staff and so on...and above all...it was possible to meet the fans...now, really, I'm proud of what I did in that time. Yes.
i. You are grateful for what you could see in that time, and on the other hand the fans, including me, are grateful that we could meet you, a totally different rock band, who made us think about life. And it was interesting and we really wanted to follow you the whole time, but we were asking ourselves where your energy as the man in the center came from.
y. Hm, what could that be? I think that we didn't do more than to care about the life of everybody (the fans and so on) and we destroyed a lot didn't we? Hm, yes, I like that...to destroy everything and such...
i. You've had the imagination that there is nothing that you can't do and you've denied that there is anything that lies beyond your power.
i. At that time you've started very suddenly...now we see not much from the present work of the 'new' Yoshiki...can we talk a little bit about this point?
y. It was a hard time for me and there was also hides death. I was sad about that, I was just sad. I didn't want to talk about it and even when I looked at pictures of hide tears came running down my face and I couldn't listen to songs of X and of course not to songs of hide and I wasn't able to talk about it. I couldn't think of it. But I live from the music and with the music, in that time I talked a lot about producing, about things I couldn't do in my present condition. I thought about how I could promote all this people and made recordings...but did I get a great distance to myself? For me everything started with X...I want to think of the future and when I look back...I had a wonderful time, but it's over now. Well I had a lot of dreams back then. Yes, dreams and determination it seems to me...but I didn't think of such an end of the story. Well...above all about hide...If I didn't take hide into the band, if he weren't with me maybe he would be still alive now? It's not good to think that way but it comes always into my mind and I don't think forward, myself...well...I have the intention not to go back to the public, I've thought a lot about it. It's difficult and...well, they've told me that I have to come over it, but...somehow I'm torn up inside. With my mind I can keep control but my feelings are different and my heart tells me something else...and...about producing...I don't think that I have the time...there are so many things...
i. And also to forget everything...
y. Yes. I started a literary activity and also produced bands. Also that is now my great effort... I think the time has come not only to think of myself but...well...when I came back to Japan this time and saw my friends again...well..."I have to pull myself together", that's what I thought. It's hard for me, but I pretended to be very tough. Yet I certainly was weak...and...well...back then I said it often, but no matter what time it was, it was only 1%, that is just a bit fear the self-confidence has won about the fear. This time I seem to have lost against the weakness. Actually it's not really fear, it's rather sadness. I can't put it into works, "I give up"...and...well...there's also the thing with Toshi...I was the whole time in America so I heard it only from other people but it's really sad...well...he was a friend from childhood, we've been together since the age of 5, he is a kind and sincere person. Well...it was certainly difficult for him to be a member of X. I don't understand in totally, but I'm asking myself if it wasn't hard to be my vocalist.
i. Because from the beginning you went to the limits of the possibilities...
y. Maybe it was that way. Because I like it to go to my limits...And I've made everybody live that way...I got used to a very strange working style and speed...but I didn't expect such an end. The shock wad too much.
i. At the the final show at the Tokyo Dome you've played at the end "Unfinished..." as the second encore. When I heard this I was sure that you are going to write the next chapter of your story...
y. It looked that way. Before disbanding I thought about it, I said something like "I don't care". The band disbanded and what could I have done?...and so on...no, I don't know how to go on...when we made that show in Tokyo Dome and I heard the voices of the fans and really stood there on the stage I wanted to carry on, I thought that I can't give up...but after that a lot happend and...somehow...well...it's totally strange but when I started to think about it..."I want to do my best" and that way...the next moment it was "It's too late, I'm no good" and "I can't do it"...I was totally confused. I thought negative about everything and was totally confused. My mind, of course, my mind told me to look forward and that life goes on. I realize that now, but then...
i. But inside you the uncertainty grew and the situation turned to the opposite? It's like a great turn to the opposite...
y. Well...there's no 2nd time...in this interview...this time...because in the first interviews I couldn't talk about it...Now I can talk about it. I can look forward. But when it happened with hide, I was so full of mourning...but I didn't understand what was going on with me. Somehow I didn't realized it fully. Somehow I was under a shock and I realized nothing. But first I thought "What can I do for the fans? What can I do now?". When I heard this voices...well..."I have to do something" and that way...but first there were days when I couldn't do anything...in that moment, in that time. When I went back to Los Angeles and found some peace and thought aobut it in silence, I became unbelievable sad. I was afraid to give interviews and all that...
i. I think that the music of X helps the fans a lot. I believe that this music gives strength to the young people that suffer from sad events, that have problems with the society, with school, parents and so on, it teaches them a lot and makes them realising things.
i. And you have a strong image so that you can give strength to the people through your music.
y. That's really nice of you to say this... that I can give strength with my music, that I can encourage people...but it's not about the concert to honour hide...I really had to do something then, I had to do something with all my power, to go forward, but in reality nobody understood what I was saying...in reality...wasn't I in Japan for a while in that time? It was hard for me to see hide on tv...that's why I couldn't do anything...but I thought I had to do something, anything but I didn't know what. Well, I postphoned appointments for some time, this time I let more time go by but I still came with a huge feeling of fear back to Umeda (?)...this time I thought...when I saw all the hide-calendars and stuff in the city, again I couldn't understand it...It was the feeling we could bring everything back to life again...I think that is really selfish but...my mind still hasn't realized everything...what I said or didn't say, I let my pride aside, I don't care when you tell me that Yoshiki is the weakest person in Japan...but it seems strange to me to do something only because of pride or commitment...so when I can give home or dreams with what I say...so it seems to me...but I don't understand it now. May I really not give up?
i. No, of course you must not give up...but you surely have chosen the way of a producer and songwriter because you are a person that creates things and also to forget everything. You surely can use this for yourself and then come back to the public.
y. Well, I like music and even when I don't show up in the public during the next time I think I will carry on writing songs...yes...it's good when I become a composer, becoming a producer is also okay...that's how I think now, but...well I love music and I couldn't imagine an other life until now. I was afraid and couldn't talk about all this...I couldn't talk about it because of sadness...it could be that now it is right to take all my strength together and go back to work.
y. But I want some time...
i. We will wait for you always...I'm sure everyone thinks so. The people that can believe because of Yoshiki and X will understand you.
y. Well...thank you for your words...
i. When we can express that we believe sincerely what you think, then it can't be the first watering (?) but when it grows bigger and bigger then I'm sure we will know and it could be that it bacomes so big that you can go forward like in former times.
y. Ah, yes.
i. We all will wait for you.
y. Ah, yes....I have to give my best, do I ?
i. Please give your best.